What is Family?

Oct 11, 20187 min read

On 29th September, Michaelmas Day ,

I decided to tell my parents about my cyst ! most of my friends didn't understand why I haven't told my parents. Why? I was worried that my mother would faint when she heard this news... she would not cope with it... It would be too much for her... but this time I decided to change my pattern. It was a big decision for me, definitely I needed some courage. So the day before I planned to tell them, I talked to my sister and brother first to make sure they will be with my parents.

Michaelmas Day: The key element of Michaelmas is that it celebrates inner strength and courage. Dragons are a central theme of Michaelmas because St. Michael, who represents courage, is traditionally pictured subduing a dragon. The primary idea behind the festival of Michaelmas is to get children to face their own challenges – in other words, their internal and external dragons. Because Michaelmas falls near the equinox, it is commonly associated with the beginning of autumn. So Waldorf schools also use Michaelmas to teach students the importance of using courage to prepare for the colder, darker, winter months. It’s symbolic of darkness, so it’s important for children to have warmth inside with them.

Courage.

I called my mother.

“How have you been? When are you going to Egypt?”

With my lower tone of voice,

‘Umma, I have to tell you something…don’t get too surprised’

‘What, what do you want to tell me’

‘you know, I have a cyst , it got a bit bigger.. than before’

‘What?! How big’

‘something like 16cm”.

‘16cm!!!’

Soon after, she started to blame my father and to feel guilt about my childhood.

‘I am so sorry my daughter because of your childhood, you didn’t have love from your father…’

‘Mum, listen, I am really okay with the past, I don’t feel ashamed or regret. I am really happy with my life now....

‘no, it is all our fault…’

I have to change something.

‘Mum, if you keep talking about the past, this cyst will get bigger and burst’

‘no, no, no, I will stop mentioning the past, I let go , I let go ’

‘Please’

‘I will never mention it again… ’

9 years ago, I left Korea with a promise to come back in 15 years.

Since then, five times I went back to Korea to renew the visa. And most of time, I couldn’t stand to stay with my family, (of course) so after a week or two, I went travel to the south to visit communities and projects.

Last time I was in Korea was in May 2016, at that time every night my mother came to my sister’s bed room where I stayed, and sat next to me and started to cry,

‘I wish you could have a better childhood,

If you had a better childhood you would be a better person now…’

‘Mum, I am really happy now, I have met people who love me, supports me so much…’

‘I wish… you should have….. ’

What can I do, should I just say yes and pretend I agree what my mother says?

Or try to make her understand that I am really okay with the past, I don’t regret anything of what has happened? even I appreciate what happened to me in a wider sense?

‘Mum, all those stones from the past in my stomach, one by one I let them go, I took them out, last 9 years I worked hard, to understand about life,’

8 years ago, I did a foundation year of Anthroposophy in Israel, as a part of the course we also studied human biography once a week. A very special subject. Every thursday before the sessions, all students cooked and ate together. That was also part of the class. And then the biographical counselor which is our teacher, introduced us how to look into the human biography, which is based on 7 years cycles. After the theory lesson, one by one, each student shared their biography since they were born until how they decided to come to the foundation year for 45min.

The first week, the teacher Shulomit, gave us homework to ask our mother about the situation around the time of the birth, who was around you, what time of the day, how long was the labour , the feelings, etc. so I called my mother and asked, She said,

“How long? As you are my first child, It took 24 hours, and you know, after 24 hours labour, your father went out to eat something and when you were father was gone, you came out, so I was alone in the room.”

When I told this story to the class, everyone was surprised for such a long labour.

And Shulomit told us that before we come to the earth, before we are born, we choose where we want to be born and who is gonna be our parents.

I never heard this before……..it was one of the turning points for my patterns of thinking

‘Let’s just imagine, If I chose my parents…..what could be the reason,

not just to victimize myself and blame them, ‘Why you made me be born’ like when I was teenager, just imagine the story what if …..I chose my parents, what could be the reason, what could be the learning?’

This was the very beginning of the healing journey from the family trauma,

I was 4+ 20 years old.

‘Mum, I am really okay, but I see that you have so many stones inside your stomach, if you don’t let go one by one, it will be harder for you , harder for me, look i don't have those stones anymore, I don’t want to take that stone anymore. And I want you to be free too. If you wish me to be happy, that will make me happy.’

Every time she came to my room and cried, I didn’t know what to do, I felt deep sadness and pain.

So I was glad that I had to leave Korea to my new home, to Europe where my life is going on with new friends, new family. At the same time every time when I took the flight, when I was watching the window when I was off from the land, Korea,

my eyes were crying….

“One day…. One day… maybe…one day.”

‘So when are you coming back to Korea?

What did you do, did you put all your energy into working again, right?”

She started to cry.

With light voice,

‘Mum, if you keep crying, I will be sad and the cyst will grow more,

Ask father to take care of you , take you to the movies or a nice place, and that will make the cyst shrink’ I made a joke.

‘Come to Korea and it is better to be here to do the surgery , next to family’

‘I will see the doctor soon, and I will let you know…. ’

…….Next to family……..

After the talk, I said to Felipe

“I will never go to Korea, I don’t think I can manage to be next to my family. Impossible!”

I was afraid …..afraid of….

Myself.

‘Nana, maybe just go for a walk…a bit’

I left the house, went for a walk, yes, I have to keep remembering that when I am upset, to go for a walk in nature.

I walked up the hill at the table hurst farm to see the sunset, red, orange , pink, mixed with purple blue....sky was just glorious. I walked further into the empty field, lying down on the grass, turned my face to one side to see the last moment of sunset.

Last three weeks, the sky has been incredibly beautiful, I appreciate it so much..

Michaelmas day.

Courage,

Dragon.

If I am really courageous, I will face on this.

It was not about just calling to my parents and telling about the cyst,

not in my head, but in my heart the decision was made

‘I am going to Korea and be with my family’

Next day,

I arranged to do a video call with all my family, for the first time since I left Korea.

As soon as the video was on, my mother looked and me and started to cry. I know this face so well, when my mother cries. My father on the corner of the video.

‘Come home soon, see you’ a very short sentence. That was the maximum length of a sentence he could say, as the most of Korean fathers could express.

I was smiling, making jokes, telling them it is all okay, I might go to Korea soon….

And I said I want to continue talking with my sister alone, my father and mother left the room.

‘Close the door’ my sister shouted.

As soon as my parents left, my sister started to cry

‘Why you keep getting sick,, why why’ she cried.

I started to cry, all the emotion I was pressing not to show in front of my mother, came out.

‘Was I doing well? right? it was so hard not to cry…when I saw our mother was crying…I am sorry it happened’…….