Last three weeks – while I was waiting to see the specialist at the hospital, I have been on my own healing journey.
First three days, I was in bed, being depressed, cried from time to time, I was a bit shocked that the very day I was going to the new chapter of my life, everything suddenly stopped. This blank space appeared which is totally unknown, uncertain. And my mind started to twirl around… What is happening in my life? What if it is cancer? What if they take my two ovaries and I can not get pregnant…etc… sometimes the mind, it goes far…Felipe said 'Nana, you do not know, so don’t even think about it, don’t create an illusion’.. ..now it is time to trust the process. Trust that whatever happens has a reason to be given.
That night when I found out about cyst, I had a dream…...dream of peacocks. I searched the meaning of it : Renewal, Resurrection. Maybe it is not gonna be too bad, is this a little present from my angel? Sending me a little sign of hope?
Next day, I was walking through the green field to the Tablehurst farm with Felipe, Alex and Angela. Along the path in the field it was full of clovers.
‘Oh, I wish I could have a lucky four leaf clover!’
Literally two minute later
'Look, I found one!’ Felipe was holding a four leaf clover between his fingers and passed it to me. Everyone was surprised.
‘Oh! I wish I had another one’, I made a joke,
'this woman is never satisfied’ Felipe laughed.
Literally two minutes later,
‘Oh! I found one’ , Alex shouted.
‘What?!’
‘for the first time in my life, I found one , I guess this is for you Nana’ '!'
Maybe it is not gonna be too bad, is this a little present from my angel? Sending me a little sign of hope? I know that It will not be easy from now on. However these people around me... I will smile.
After coming out from the bed, first thing I did, I went to the computer room to research [15cm Ovarian Cyst] as I haven’t seen the specialist I was not so sure what could be the possible steps for the conventional procedure. I found out it is called ‘giant ovarian cyst’ = over 15cm. I read more than 30 different stories and all of them was about how they had operations, how they felt, etc, including doctor asking to freeze the eggs. I saw some real pictures of huge cysts which were taken out from the body. Horrible ....
Felipe said 'nana , stop looking at those things….’
Yes, it doesn’t really help me. However, a question arose,
‘Why only those stories are exposed? Why I can not find a single story who healed naturally or who tried to heal naturally?’
so this is one of the reasons why I decided to go on this journey and share my stories. It is not about expecting miracle, (maybe a bit… :), it is not about being against a surgery, it is more about healing in a holistic way before any physical removal. it is more about tuning back to balance from imbalance.
Nutrition: Stories of Body
And I searched ‘Natural remedy for ovarian cysts’, of course it is more to prevent before illness and it is for a long term treatment, one could say it is too late but I feel that I want to try. Anyway it is nice to know more nutrition. So I made a list of food which is generally good for ovarian cysts (balance the hormones) and with my intuition I decided what to consume and how to consume. however Felipe calls 'Strange diet'
Spring water
Vinegar
Dang guai
Turmeric
Maca root
Beet root
Green vegetables
Almonds
No soy.
etc
also my first intuition told me to fast. I wanted to fast for three days to begin with, to clean my body. after that i am very conscious of what i am eating, how i am eating. i didn't want to give too many information to my body with mixed food, so i eat very simple - boiled beet root and veges, one proper meal per day.
so when my physical body is a bit more weak, my mind would be less active, so that I could let myself more open for the inspiration and the body to heal itself.
Let’s try and see.
Trauma: Stories of Soul
my deep intuition said ‘Dig into my trauma. My childhood story’
In 2010, when I found out about a cyst in my left ovary, it was 6cm, I knew that it was related with my past, however, I thought it will be gone when it's needed to be gone through life, I thought it just needs time to heal itself. so last 8 years on the one hand I let it be, on the other hand I was a bit ignoring, neglecting its existence. Also doctor told me there is nothing they can do, there is no medicine except a surgery and furthermore they said that when they do an operation due to its size, they have to take half of the ovary out. ‘No way’…I thought.
Last year, touring with the performance 'What is Love?' which has a piece of my childhood memories, I thought that I did 'enough' work with my childhood... I really thought. I thought that I don't need to open it again for a while. I thought my wound has healed. life is such an amazing teacher, when I thought that I knew something about life, it made me humble again as If I knew nothing ...16cm … a lot of questions arose: ‘Why now?’ ‘What do you tried to tell me?’ ‘’Why do you want to be seen?’ 'Did i miss something ?' ‘What did I do last summer’ 'Anything wrong? ' ‘How can I heal? 'Can I heal?’….. I cannot ignore, I cannot neglect. If It was 10cm, with my crazy personality, I would keep going to Egypt, but 16cm. it really decided to show itself to be seen, to be heard. and it knows me very well.
now it is a time to create space to have a dialogue with it.
now it is a time to listen to the stories of my body and my soul.
now I am 32 years old, my proper womanhood began.
and now it is a time to change.
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