My belly almost looks like a pregnant woman. I often put my both hands on my belly and try to understand this mass, a ovarian cyst, this unknown being. so called illness, 'What are you trying to tell me.' 'How can I listen to you' . My journey continues...
last half month, I have met a seven different healers and therapists,
(*I am sharing only some parts of my experience of these treatments, this is not a full process)
5. Intention Technique
I have seen different healers, but one of my needs has not yet been fulfilled.
To find someone whom I can work directly with my trauma. When I shared this, Trina recommended me to try with Cornelia.
Ah, I know her, she is a Eurythmist. A few years back I had a meeting with a group of Eurythmists, discussing about potentially creating a performance together, and Cornelia arrived with her poem about refugees… I remember when I heard her poem, my imagination started to form: sounds, music, costume….unfortunately it didn’t happen. The karma started to weave.
I sat in front of her, again, I was in the place to explain my situation….
She asked me to stand up, close my eyes and walk forward and backward slowly within the rug on the floor, to make sure I am safe. Again I had to trust the process and let myself be guided by it. Interesting feeling, with eyes closed and walking, different consciousness is awakening. She asked me to focus on one part of the body and walk, I became very concentrated on my sensation in the body. She continued to guide me, "Walking with the awareness of the centre line between right and left leg and now let the earth energy come towards you from the earth, not giving your energy to the earth downwards but absorbing the energy from below upwards .
Now, you will enter the womb, imagine like a fairy tale, describe me what kind of landscape you see inside"
With my imagination, I entered the space of the unknown,
"I see a half open wall, like half cave shape, on the wall there were a lot of things like snails eyes ….."
"which colour is it?"
"purple-ish… like gooey , chewy texture."
From time to time she asked me some more questions. whenever she asked me I discovered new things. Naturally new images appeared. Sometimes I had to wait for images to appear so I stopped walking and stood, so she reminded me to keep walking.
After while I saw a being , wearing a black coat with a hood , it didn’t seem to show its face, like a witch character in a fairy tale, a lot of antipathy, it carried a non-friendly atmosphere. And on the wall, I saw a lot of eyes looking down at me, with piercing gaze.
"And where are you?"
"Pardon?"
"Who is watching and where are you, describe"
I noticed there was someone watching all this images, 'is this me?' And I realised there was quite a distance between me and the being and I was standing on the cold glassy floor. She asked me some questions about my heart ............. when i focused on my heart, a white rose with a pinch of pink appeared in front of my heart, and with this rose I walked towards the being and the wall, it immediately shrunk until almost disappearing.
"It is disappearing"
"Why it is disappearing?"
"it is too beautiful, it is too nice for them"
"don’t let it disappear, breath, let it grow… don’t let it disappear…"
So I focused on the rose, soon after it grew back again,
"How big the rose can grow?"
It had grown almost like the size of a basketball. I felt a smiling feeling in me.
"Is there any gift for you?"
At that moment, I saw …. In the middle of the rose some shape started to arise, and it slowly lifted itself to the sky, I lifted my head to see this figure on the sky, i was staring at it for long while...
‘Maria….’
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.
.
‘Nana’ she called my name. I explained what I just saw,
And she said breathe this warmth, for a moment stay to feel the warmth and light.
I felt that my whole body was getting warm….
I sat on the floor, my eyes kept closed for a bit longer. Slowly I came back to myself,
I opened my eyes and saw Cornelia, with a soft smile on her face.
And we talked. She suggested me to be on my 2nd chakra and even to meet people with this place, not only with my heart chakra.
How many healers are mentioning of my 2nd chakra... So unknown. But it feels like coming back to the deepest place of myself.
And this being? with a lot of anger, denial, who is this? Is this me?
And Maria… Maria… Maria…
6. Biographical counselling
Ileana is my biographical counselor who accompanied me during my preparation for the performance ‘what is love’. I remember the first encounter with her, she reminded me so much of my teacher and biography counselor ‘Shulomit’ in Israel, I even asked if she was a relative of her.
.
.
I sent a text [Ileana, I need your help]
I got a reply [I am here for you. ]
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.
.
.
Two years ago,
The last session of seven. She suggested ‘Nana , imagine the little nana, a little girl, and now you have a space to talk to her, what do you want to tell her and what do you want to do with her?’
I imagined this little myself, small.. maybe like 5-6years old, I looked at her lovingly for a while and said ‘You will be fine, in 20 years, you will live in England, study Eurythmy, you will be with so many people who love you, and who you love. It is all okay.’
Ileana told me ‘Nana she is just 5 years old….maybe she needs a hug? ’
‘A hug?’
And…..it was a huge moment. I looked at this girl, who is frightened, who is always caring for her family but actually a little, tiny child. I pulled her hand gently. Let her sat on my lap and held her tightly in my chest, she started to cry, saying ‘I was too scared… I was so afraid’ I started to cry, I hold her tightly, I leaned my head on her head. Embracing this little child, letting her cry…. Inside saying ‘it is all okay, you are safe, you are okay’….
.
.
.
.
Now again in the same room, Ileana has a very warm place with wooden furnitures, sheepskins, a little base with little wild flowers, little crystals on the window shelf, green plants in the corners of the room . I always feel the sacredness of her place. Already my whole being was softening…
‘Oh dear, Ileana… after all these work, now I am back… ’
‘Nana, it is not back, life is like a spiral, we grow in this spiral’
Most of time she listened, she listened and listened. I started to listened what I was saying, it is a special place where I can now listen what I am saying.
and I told her my mother still doesn’t know that I have 16 cm cyst, and I wouldn't tell my mother as i think she will not cope with it, she might be faint, she might feel more guilty….and so on.
"Nana"….. I know this particular voice of her when she calls my name in this way.
"I feel that you are taking too much responsibility on what she may need to face on.
It could be also that you don’t trust that your mother can be a mother for you, if it is too much for her, she will deal with it herself, you are preventing her experience maybe she needs to experience it. Try not to take too much responsibility from others and you can focus on yourself."
"Ummm..."
When I talked with Ileana, I feel we are building a sculpture together, I am the main sculptor, and she is a feedback giver around me, to give myself freedom and at the same time a little bit of guidance when I am too much in another direction, throughout conversation.
One point, she told me ‘Nana , it might be that because of your childhood, you couldn’t experience a true femininity, receptivity. part of it is doing simple things for yourself, putting flowers in a vase, simple things. When I heard the word ‘Femininity’ I immediately felt warmth around my heart, even to imagine to do simple things…… last three years , I have been running around all over the world. after finishing my 4 years Eurythmy study, my incubating time to develop myself, I was so ready to go int to the world. youth projects, creating a performance, touring around the world, giving workshops , travelling 12 different countries in one year, fundraising for my friends, so many different places travelling, meeting people, presenting my work, and last six months, working in Egypt with different cultures, different issues in the world, when was the last time I really breathe within myself and focus on simple things in life? simplicity..
I can already see where the imbalances were.
’What do you meditate on nowadays? do you have a Madonna prayer?
And she went upstairs to find me some postcards of Madonna .
And she passed me a postcard: Maria…. Holding the Jesus, a sculpture of the Pieta by Michelangelo, in the Vatican.
She told me ‘this is my special card, I will lend you’, and she translated me what she wrote behind the postcard.
[ The face of this girl ‘PIETA’ reached my soul. She has a minimal expression, like the one that knows how to listen. She is present, full of love and compassion. It seems like she is almost going to smile tenderly, carrying all the sorrow and pain of humanity on her lap. She has become one being with this weightless Christ. He falls over her legs, like a caress and she holds him effortlessly…Es de una belleza conmovedora.]
When she read this to me, My soul was crying.
Receptivity,
Femininity,
Maria,
Simple things,
Female,
Woman,
Mother.
7. Acupuncture & Cranio-sacral therapy
Johanna bumped in to me,
[‘I heard about your situation, check this acupuncturist who healed me :Richard Creightmore]
Finally I met someone who got healed naturally. I called him straightaway.
He trained on feng shui, geomancy, acupuncture, cranioscral therapy, etc.
Again i explained my situation and I laid down on the bed, he put the needles on my feet and on the right hand, and sat behind my head, started to move my neck. I felt like I was in a sand bath, completely surrounded by sand. After a while I felt like sand is in my body, I am like a sand hour glass, filled with sand, wherever he moved me, sand slowly moves from one side to the other.
Through an hour and half session, I didn’t talk at all, I let go of my tension, my will.... just being guided. A lot of sighing in between, keep letting it go… he pressed the different meridian points on my body. I could feel my energy flows...The fact that I didn’t talk at all and just being, was another healing on this process.
After the session he told me,
‘Cyst is easier as it is chi-blockage than a fibroid which is blood, I know it is big, but don’t worry, we can work on it, you don’t need a surgery.’
First time someone said confidently I don’t need a surgery.
‘You might be quite emotional next few days, I worked a lot on your kidney which is a water organ, the emotion.’
Emotion.
* Equinox : When I came back from the treatment, Felipe was playing guitar ‘60’s rock music’, after 5 days working full time for me, it was the first holiday for him. However, something disturbed me…’Felipe can you stop playing that music, I want to be quite..’
he kept playing... and my non-sense speaking began.
‘I need some spring water, you didn’t go and buy water, you don’t care about me, You are not doing enough!’
While I was spitting the words, my inner voice was saying : ‘Stop it, You shouldn’t say these words, it is not true, you know it is non-sense’…..I was hearing this voice inside, but my mouth couldn’t stop spitting the poison… Just to hurt him, just to destroy him. What is this? I could see Felipe’s eyes with anger, he left the house….
I was so furious. So furious …………furious to myself. I felt so much rage in me. I noticed while I was talking to him, I already felt this rage in my chest, was I feeding this rage in myself, was I enjoying feeding my darkside? This rage spread through my body and moved around, I stood up.
I walked to the kitchen, I hold a glass, and walked to the toilet….more tension gathered around... I looked at the floor and smashed the glass. It was not finished yet, I went to the kitchen picked another glass up and smashed it on to the kitchen floor…. …… I stared at the broken pieces of glass …..and I came back to the bedroom and fell asleep………
I woke up from the noise, I saw the light through the crack on the door, Felipe was back… I heard the sound of cleaning glasses… I waited….waited…. silence…. I went to the living room, Felipe was sleeping on the couch, ‘Felipe, come in, please’
He hugged me, He stroked my head, He caressed my chin.
In the darkness, I just cried…
.
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Two days ago, Ahlfield came to visit me, and she said "nana again you have to go through the challenges, When I thought of you, I thought of the princess in the fairy tale, when she cries, her tears become pearls…. Each drop of pain you will transform.
.
.
In the darkness, I just cried.
‘I am so sorry Felipe, I am so sorry.’
Biography counselling
I went to see Ileana again, I told her tomorrow is full moon, she asked me
‘why is important for you, full moon?’
‘it might pull my cyst away, as it is full moon night ’
She laughed. I laughed. This laugh is a medicine for me.
And I told Ileana about what had happened during the weekend and I shared my fear that because I grew up with this rage and fear....I might know how to love.
She looked at me,
‘Nana, maybe now you need to change your diet and patterns, maybe it is too heavy…’
'Maybe' i replied.
Last half month, fasting, specific diet, every morning hours of meditation, revisiting my childhood memories, grief, working with different healers... all the emotion was coming into the surface.... so much understanding,
Maybe.... maybe time to shift..
Acupuncture & Cranio-sacral therapy
After the 2nd session with Richard, he also told me that there are a lot of blockages around my 1st , 2nd chakra and my feet are not grounded…and he told me it is from my grandmother’s generation….
Grandmother,
Do I know something about my grandmother?
Do I know anything about my grandmother?
Physic surgery
I booked Stephen again, I cannot say any logical reason.
I saw him at the new moon and it is now full moon.
Even I couldn’t find a lift this time, Jean Marc said ‘I am very busy but if you don’t find someone else, I will go’ . The night before, I gave up to go, as Jean Marc had a lot of things to do, maybe it is not too important seeing Stephen again. Maybe I had to accept it and I let go.
Next morning 6:30am, my phone rang [Jeanmarc]:
‘let’s go, I will take you. I will deliver the bread now and come back and we leave at 7:30am.’ i picked my bag and went to the car park. while I was waiting for Jean Marc, I had a mixed feeling and a thought came to my mind, somehow I am filling the gap from my parents with this people in the community.... is it only good thing? Is there karma I have to look at again with my family?
.
.
However, Indeed I had a very good conversation with Jean Marc through the driving, as he is one of the most positive persons I know in our community. After having intense week, I felt something was released. in this time of healing journey, it is important for me who I am communicating with, what kind of conversation arises.
Ashram. The second time, now I am already familiar with the place. There was much more people than the last time,
‘Come in’ the same guy from last time, he was wearing a red dress.
I laid down on the bed, Stephen came, he is wearing the orange dress.
‘Ah you are here again’, now the familiar face. He looked at me and asked
‘How is your family?’
‘All right… ’
‘if you don’t forgive, you will not be forgiven......you came from here, the womb.
you are good soul, it is ego who blocks,……..…..’
‘I am trying’
‘no! not trying , just do!’
Again, chinky chanky metal sound, touching my belly quite roughly this time.
Jean marc and me were sitting in the waiting room in silence.
Stephen came out from the room so I went to say good bye to him.
'Thank you'
‘if you don’t forgive , you will not be forgiven ’......
Full Moon Rise
That evening, I texted friends in Emerson
[Would you like to go to see the full moon rise? 7:15pm at the upper car park, moonrise is 7:30pm today ]
Pricilla came with Ilona, even it is Ilona’s bed time they would like to see the special moon rise. We walked to the pixton hill and went through the gate into the field.
Soon after Alex and Angela came. ‘Where is the moon?’
Soon after Rachel and Lindsey came. ‘Oh! I see something’
We ran to the open field. And there….was...the warm orange moon. We just missed the rising from the horizon. But still, it matched with the colour of the sunset, the red-orange. Lindsey played a singing bowl, the vibration, time had stopped the space was open. time didn't matter... Rachel came to me and burnt three bay leaves, hu hu hu. three times blowing.
‘Shall we dance naked under the full moon night, i can get full energy?’
Rachel already started to unbuttoning her coat,
‘Oh, nana, we don’t want you to get sick, it is a very cold night… ’
‘Yes, it is not good for you now.’
so we just watched full moon for a bit longer…
now a half month passed, from new moon to full moon.
(I wish I could dance naked in the field under the full moon night )
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