4th June 2019
Agiba, Egypt
On the 19th of February, on the full moon night,
I left Korea after an intense healing journey of my illness.
I came back to my beloved,
"Felipe, with one ovary, do you still love me? "
"Yes, of course"
He didn't ask much, he didn't say much, just a gentle smile on his mouth.
..................What had happened since then?
I can see in front of my eyes the deep blue sea; from indigo, turquoise, persian blue into aquamarine blue, with the white crests of the waves: where am I? Sun light shines through the water, revealing the white sand under the sea, the sound of the waves breaking again and again; endless sounds, endless movement and above all, the massive sky, did we learn that the sea is blue to reflect the colour of the sky?
Last year, Selma told me: 'Nana, I will take you to a piece of heaven on earth,'
...Agiba.
I am floating on the sea, all surrounded by water, crystal clean water, wearing a yellow floating ring, like a child. 32 years old, I still don't know how to swim... I look to the horizon, there is nothing else but the sea, even no earth to stand on, just the water.
'What is my purpose in life?' Selma's song in my ears.
Did I ever imagine I could be in this very place, in this very moment, such a beautiful place on earth? Just....floating and looking at the sea hours and hours, just floating nothing else to do...there is nothing else but water.
Even I dissolve into the water, I don't exist any more.....just being part of the water.
I am not afraid of water, but why I cannot swim?
'Your father started to hit me, when you were in my belly...'
'Oh, my daughter, already before you were born into the world, you had to experience that.... I am so sorry'
'I wanted to leave your father, but I was already pregnant, and I didn't want you to grow up without a father'
'However, one day, I tried to escape from him, do you remember? I hid you in the taxi....'
'but I was poor, and I didn't have enough courage .....so i came back to him'
Am I afraid of water, as I cannot trust being surrounded by water ?
since I was conceived? Did I experience fear in my mother's womb ?
Unconsciously will I be always afraid of being in the water?
This was the story I told before, my father being the victimizer and me a victim of this violent man; making myself a traumatized young lady, then trying to make myself very drunk when I was teenager, crying for years and years, imprisoning this little girl with sad stories, putting some depression pills into my body... even burning myself. Literally I have 7 burn scars on my right arm from pressing a cigarette against my skin, one by one, till the seventh... and from time to time, shouting at my beloved and saying sorry afterward with an excuse that I grew up in a violent environment. So I don't know how to be gentle as this violence has been planted in me... what else? Disbelief that I will never have a peaceful relationship in my life, or I won't know how to be a good mother..
Floating in the water, I surrender to its movement, trusting that where it leads me is the right way, let go of my control.
I realised the biggest enemy of my life was myself. It was not my father, nor my mother, nor the environment, system, society. It is me. All these conditions given to me.. were not at all the challenges or obstacles. It is myself... who have challenged me through this journey.
'What's the purpose of my life, questions inside my head... in the deep blue sea'
Selma's song...
Floating in the deep blue sea, surrendering to its movement, I am floating in deep blue life. Life takes me to where I need to go, where I need to be. Let it guide my journey. Let go more and more in order to let it carry me. I learn to let it carry me.
After how many years I have tried to fight for it?
......now with a gentle smile on my mouth.
.
.
.
.
.
Since I came back to Egypt, last three months, what has changed?
In my pattern, not much..... actually it is quite the same as before, my partner was even a bit disappointed. smoking, drinking wine, enjoying eating sugar and bread with cheese, having packed schedule without much rest.
Outer appearance: the scar on my lower belly and my short hair shows me something happened, is that all?
However, inwardly, the biggest shift in my life: I don't decide for my life, I let life guide my life.
If after living 32 years, finally I have learned to let life guide me, not other way around.
... wow !.... I read this sentence so many times, but finally I understood!
I bless all what have happened to me to teach me this.
Two days ago, In SEKEM, there was a Review of the year meeting, it happens twice a year to reflect on the work of the entire SEKEM initiative. This year, the leading group opened the invitation to the younger generation who works in SEKEM.
In the first session, we sat in a circle and each one shared some reflections on their own work through the last half year,
"...for me......"
It was my turn.
"To review the last half year, I have to go back to the day before my operation.
A doctor called me to sign the papers to agree to remove all my female organs if my cyst is malignant, and she explained that the female organs can easily transmit cancerous cells, so in that case they would have to remove everything."
At that moment, I knew....I will not agree on it, I will not sign it. And I told the doctor,
'if you find out it is malignant, don't remove anything, just close it please...'
It was not because I was insane, I just wanted to trust that whatever god decides for me is the right path. So there were two options ahead in my life, if it is cancer, I will let go of what I wanted to do, what I planned for my life, and just focus on my healing journey.
Maybe only drinking vegetable juices, living in the mountain and so on.
Or if it is not cancer, i will go back to SEKEM and work. So GOD, what you choose for me, I will follow you.
I let go of my holding.....
So here I am, that's why I am sitting here now..... "
The review of my work in SEKEM :
- Social Eurythmy Lab
- SEED programme
- Intercultural Dialogue
- Social Initiative Forum.
- Eurythmy performance and Vision group.
.......to be continued :)
Opmerkingen