Last summer, in Barcelona, under a huge tree, Nil and me sat down and continued our conversation on our argument.
'Nana, you always say 'To be authentic is important', 'To be truthful is important’, but you are hiding ...you are hiding your name; why do you keep it as a secret? I don’t really understand’.
'Nil, I understand what you are saying, but one thing i want to tell you that my mother is the one who cannot call me by my ex-name. She wants me to forget about the past, and live with new memories with a new name'.
I put my mother in front of excuse, not me....
.
.
A secret, some secrets are beautiful to keep, but mostly I think secrets contained some wounds which haven't healed.
My name,
8th April, 2007: The very day, I left Korea, I was so done with my life, painful depart from my family, from my home country, I was dead......
At the hostel in Edinburgh the receptionist asked:
'What is your name?'
'.......Nana.' that was my answer, 'Nana Woo'.
Since then I became Nana.
A few years later, without telling my parents, I changed my name in the official documents.
The reason it became a secret was that I didn’t want to explain...the reason why I changed my name. I didn’t want to even remember those hard times in my life, and the biggest reason was that I didn’t want to hear that name anymore.
In Korean tradition quite often the parents were called by their first child’s name. It is rude to ask people's name when they are ‘old’, like over 40's, so people are often called by their family name and their profession, for example Professor Park, Doctor Kim, Teacher Lee, etc. Or in an informal situation you will be called by your first child's name.
My mum was always called by my name, like she is "Nana's mother", as i was the first child. And another thing, the way my mother used to call my name.... it was always too sentimental, too sad...and too painful. As I was the reason for her to live, the reason she kept living that life with my father.
So when people ask me 'Is Nana your real name? '
I always said 'Yes, it is my real name.' the old one has died. she doesn't exist.
Before I left Korea, I told a professors, who used to live in France for 18 years and just got back to teach us at the university, that I have changed my name, she said to me:
'Nana, one day Nana and XXX will meet each other, one day they will unite, when the time is right.'
Maybe it is time to communicate with her.
XXX is the wounded one, Nana is the bright one.
.
.
.
After all this explanation, blablabla...... to be honest , I think I just wanted to ignore my past, my wound.
.
.
.
The first week when I was lying down on the bed trying to communicate with my cyst, this name came up in my mind....it was a very long time since I spoke this name with my lips.
'XXX is it you? XXX.....' I was already crying ... I started to recall this name, the name I used to be called, my old identity.
Obviously the first person I wanted to tell this name was... Felipe.
Whenever I tried, I couldn’t speak this name, he already knew that I had changed my name a year ago, he asked several times what the name was, but after a while he told me:
'Nana it doesn’t really matter what the name was, just you are who you are. I don't need to know your past name.'
I appreciated he didn’t keep asking...
A month ago, after I calmed down of being mad with breaking glasses, I told Felipe,
'Felipe my name was ' X X X' and I cried,
'Wow Nana, say it again? '
'no, I will not mention it again’ ..........
'Please, '
'XXX'
'XXX', he tried to repeat.
After being together for three years, finally I spoke my ex-name to the person who I love the most, who I trust the most and who might love me the most.
The day before I left from England to Korea, at the biographical sharing I told the story of what had happened the very day , that blood day, which made me leave Korea to Europe.
At the biography sharing evening :
'At the hostel in Edinburgh a receptionist asked my name, I said:
'My name is Nana’, ............ I have changed my name'
......I made a pause...
My left hand was searching for Felipe's hand. I held his hand tightly, he did it back to me.
'and my name was....'
'and my name was Woo-Bo-Kyoung'.
And tears dropped from my eyes at the same time I was smiling.
Felipe also smiled, a warm soft gentle smile.
Something was freed... the trap was gone, now she is also part of me and I am part of her. I continued telling my biography, after I became Nana.
After that evening,
Some friends told me, they also changed their name,
Lindsey said she always wants to change her name.
Chris asked me about my ex-name again because he wants to remember it.
Melody was repeating my name
Ianthe said 'we can bridge the past and the present, now we know where you are going back to, with your past name, it was like a building a bridge tonight. '
Probably when people will ask me: ‘Is Nana your real name?’
I will keep answering: ‘Yes, it is my real name’.
But like Felipe said, now I realised it doesn’t really matter, I am who I am.
留言