Go well in peace, May the light shine on you
.
.
.
.
.
I woke up with pain, I noticed the clock and I noticed the time.
‘the operation went well, now we will bring you back to your room.’
'Can I stay a bit longer, as I don't want my mother to see me while I am too fragile'
That’s the first thing I said after the surgery....
Of course they just sent me back to my room, but no one was there. My mother came after a while, and she said she waited by the door where I entered before the surgery..... she saw me and started to cry....
My whole body was so cold, my hands and feet, I was shivering,
'Can you please massage my feet and hands....'
Pain....inside-outside.
'Inanna's decent to the underworld'
When Irkallah was suffering after she killed her twin sister Inanna as if she was giving a birth.
pain inside-outside, in her liver, in her heart.
Irkallah : Ow ow my stomach
Two beings: ow ow my stomach
Irkallaj: ow ow my head
Two beings : ow ow my head
Irkalla : Ow ow my heart
Two beings: ow ow my heart
two beings were there echoing her words with great empathy.
I kept pressing the button for the painkillers.
My sister arrived around noon and she too had to massage my feet.
It took some hours till I found my smile again.
And the junior doctor came and told us that they did an emergency test and the result was that the cyst was benign, so the operation went without complications, it took two hours, less than what they planned. They removed my left ovary and as they saw that the fallopian tube was stretched so badly they decided to remove it too. And added that I didn’t need to wear the pressure stockings; they were actually prepared for a cancerous cyst scenario.
In the evening my father arrived and called my name
'Woo nana!'
!!!
For the first time, my father called me by this name!!!!
These days so many things are happening for the first time!
For the first time, my father came to stay at the hospital instead of my mother:
For the first time, I sat with my father so intimately.
For the first time, I asked him to massage my feet and he did it, he was massaging my feet!
For the first time, he started to tell me about his life story.
He started to say:
For last two years, every other Saturday he went hiking all around the Tabak-mountains with the climbing club, mainly for retired people. He left home at night, took a bus to the entry of mountain, at the middle of night started to climb through the darkness with a torch on the head, so they could be on the peak to see the sunrise. He told me how rough that journey was, some people got injured on the way, knees, ankles, etc.... he said he learnt so many things about life through overcoming these challenges....and not to give up again in his age, 64years old . and he showed me some pictures of mountains from his smart phone. It was the first time in my life that my father showed me some pictures of his life.
And he continued:
“So now that I am back to work with this new job, of course I was ashamed that my company knows my previous profession, so I made a lie to hide it. Sometimes I got humiliated by the boss; so now that I am looking back to my life, reflecting on my life.... what was the purpose of only following my plan for promotions, and focusing on getting higher and higher.
‘'Can you tell me what your work is? Why do you keep it secret from us?'’
‘'You don’t need to know, it is just a hard job…’'
I only know that he leaves home 4:30 in the morning and finishes around 3pm, and he has only one full day off on Saturday, nobody knows what his work is in my family.
He continued telling his story when he got married with my mother;
‘'You may be too young to understand this, if you see the government officers in Korea, you can see that their wives are not so pretty, do you know why?’'
‘'No...’'
‘'Because they choose woman of wealth, not of beauty, and woman choose men with authority and power. Myself, I had a nothing, my family was not rich, and I met your mother who has a family that also couldn’t support us financially. So I had a very hard time to promote my position, the only thing I could do was to study harder than anyone, I had to work double, triple harder to climbing higher higher than those that had wealth, power, connections....that was why I was hardly at home. And I was only focusing on working hard to promote in my life. I was a very ambitious young man.’'
I remembered what my aunt said the other day; the reason she thinks my father was violent toward my mother is not because he didn’t love her, he thought she was from a rich family who could support his path, as she looked very elegant and graceful, but she was not. She didn’t lie or anything, my father assumed it. So when he got stressed from the work, he drunk and shouted at her.
'‘At least, your grandfather gave me a piece of land when he died, so our family could survive and I could pay for the three of you the university fees, I did what I could do.’'
Money, what is it? For this generation, their parents (my grandparents) worked as farmers, worked all their life , mostly to send their children to the university, not even all of them, probably only the first son; so they could get a ‘better’ job, not like a farmer or worker. For that they could sacrifice everything in their lives.
He said that after his painful retirement (there is another story around my father’s retirement), he changed his attitude about money, not only being pedantic about saving but also to use for enjoying life. So that was the North Europe cruise trip with my mother- as their 30 years marriage celebration.
.
.
Yes, three years ago, my sister told me that my father was looking for a package travel to Europe; I called my mother:
‘Mum, if you plan to come to Europe, you have to come and see me, for the last 5 years I have been in Europe and you never visited me, so this time come and see how I live and my friends, you will love it! I can show you beautiful places’
A few days later, I heard from my sister, he booked the travel for North Europe. I called my mother:
‘Okay, I don’t understand why you don’t come to England, even for a bit. Anyway if you can’t come I will go to see you.’
I knew that they will stop in Berlin for two days, I was willing to fly even for just two days to see my parents in Europe for the first time. Later she called me and said my father thought it was too expensive to have me for a night, so he doesn’t want me to come.
I remember I cried that day next to Felipe......
.
.
He showed me some pictures of that trip, for the first time, I told my father that I was very disappointed and upset at that time when he didn’t come to see me.
And he heard it.
Suddenly, I felt .... Maybe now, healing is happening, maybe just now...
I started to understand why I wanted to have the surgery, this moment of being vulnerable towards my father, my mother, sister and brother, creating this humble intimate space between us... maybe....this might be a reason for the intuition to take the decision. Life, we cannot explain exactly why things happen, we cannot think it, only spiritually we know it.
With courage, I asked him:
'Father, I want to tell you a thing, about the past, I talked with mother and she said one thing she wishes is that if you ask her for forgiveness, so she can let go of the past... Could you ask her for forgiveness?‘
'I have nothing to ask for forgiveness! '
'Father, everyone would say it is his fault, it is her fault, and it is always someone else’s fault, not me. However if everyone says that, nothing will be resolved. What is wise could be that each one says I am sorry, and also I forgive. I am not trying to say who is wrong or right, just every single person makes mistakes and has a fault which can ask for forgiveness to others, everyone.'
For the first time, I said something from my heart to my father.
For the first time, I spoke to my father not with anger, but with love.
I could see that his face got a bit relaxed.
Maybe he is open to listen,
maybe his heart is opening.
He continued:
'You know I was expecting a lot from you, as you were a very clever girl at school, so I was very disappointed and worried during your middle school time. That was the reason I got angry at you from time to time. Anyway now I am very hopeful about your future, thanks that you have grown up so well. I wish you will be the person who works for the world, not for money'
A month ago, when I just arrived he told me he doesn’t understand my path of life, he advised me to find a job to ‘earn money’, not only 'volunteering' around...and now?!
I looked at my father, Who is this person? Is he the same person I knew as my father?
Especially this space between me and him, I was laying down on bed peacefully and my father was sitting next to me on a chair... I never seen my father with this angle...
.
.
.
.
''How do you know when you really forgive someone ? '' I asked Briany ,
''When you see the person, when you look at the person, in your heart and chest, you do not have a single feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, anymore, you will know it, you do not have anything left from the past act, and you can look at him with full loving eyes.....'' and she smiled at me.
.
.
.
.
I could see he loves me, he always has been loving me.
And I could feel that I do love my father. And the picture I hold in the past was breaking... it was gone long time ago.... I was just holding a picture.... a paper.
I broke the trauma, I broke the thin mirror which covered around me.
and I could open my eyes in to the reality. not the world I believe that was real, i could see the whole story, not a part of the story.
Maybe....this was the reason...maybe maybe......
I told him that he doesn't need to stay overnight, as I was not able to move, drink, eat, to pee, even to sit. just laying down all night.
'몸 잘챙기라.'
9pm. I was alone, a moment of breathing.
A nurse came: 'where is your next kin?'
'I sent him home'
'What!? We told you that the night of the operation you should have someone next to you, can you call someone?'
'My mother didn’t sleep yesterday night so she went to rest and she is coming tomorrow, my father has to work 5am , as you know I don’t need anybody tonight. Can you pretend my father is sleeping here? '
She didn’t call anybody.
I put my hands on my belly, the cyst was gone,
undefined feeling arose.....
some kind of fulfillment.....
something feeling of wholesome....
Not only because the cyst was gone,
what had happened till now,
I never felt so fulfilled in a very soft way....
I went to sleep.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I stayed four more nights at the hospital, I was very well for the first night and was about to be discharged a day earlier, however I got fever at night so I had to stay one more day.
During the hospital time, when I had to go around for a walk, I saw so many women with shaved heads, covered with scarfs, from the cancer treatment. Mixed feelings arose..... There are so many women who go through these illnesses; so many women have taken their ovaries, wombs. I felt my journey was a privileged one. I was feeling humble, the fact that it was benign, I have to re-appreciate and at the same time to accept, all these illnesses are given by higher purposes, so the fact that it is benign, that I can go back to a normal life soon; I will keep in mind that the reason is the mission I have to develop in this world during this life time. My purpose and task became stronger than ever before in my life in a soft, humble way.
The day I was discharged, just before I left the hospital, I went to the Buddhist room in the hospital to pray, on the ceiling so many lotus flower prayers were hanged.
'Every single being in this world, may have peace, happiness'
Namusunkamonibul
Namusunkamonibul
Namusiabonsasunkamonibul
Commentaires