I took the surgery as a ceremony, a ritual. I do think every single surgery is indeed a ritual, especially when you need to undergo general anesthesia.
On the way to the Hospital,
I felt like an empty vessel, I drove with my mother to the hospital, who was crying.
we arrived at the Asan hospital, took the lift to the 7th floor, Gynaecology Oncology department. I changed my clothes... my mum again started to cry, I wished Felipe was next to me. When I settled on my bed, I opened my laptop....tried to finish my diary 'I have changed my name.' I wanted to confess before the surgery.
A patient who was staying next to my bed asked:
"Why are you so busy, what are you writing?"
'It is my diary, I write and share with the people who supports me.'
Finally I posted it. I confessed, I let go of one thing.
6pm, I had to fast, I was the first patience for operation. a nurse gave me a drink for emptying my bowel. And I went to meet a doctor to sign the agreement for the surgery.
'If we need to do an emergency test of your cyst while the surgery and if it is malignant, the official procedure is to remove two ovaries, two fallopian tubes and the womb.’
‘I do not agree to take anything of my right ovary, tube and womb, even if the result says it’s cancerous.’
she looked at me strangely, she repeated her sentences and I repeated mine.
I guess they were preparing for the worst scenario.
When my mother fell asleep, I went outside with the letter I wrote to my cyst and a candle. I found a corner in the garden, I was holding my phone and reading the letter, when I finished reading it, I burnt it and buried the ashes. Back to mother earth. Finally I am surrendering. Before going to sleep, I put my hand on my cyst.
'Go well in peace....'
The day of Operation
6am, I woke up, I combed my hair, I put the pressure stockings which the nurse asked me to wear for the next 5 days. I put a healing liquid around my body and also my mother's. I took a picture to remember these days, this time of myself, and I went to talk to Felipe, my lover. Everything was in slow motion, dreamlike, surreal atmosphere.
I prepared myself for this special ceremony inwardly outwardly.
7:30am, An assistant came to pick me up with a wheelchair
'Do you have something in your pocket?'
'.... I do have something........'
I took out the picture of me and Felipe and of Amma.... and kept the rose quartz, my healing crystal in my pocket....
My mother followed me, we took the elevator, she started to cry,
'I am sorry....Nana,...I am sorry for our past....'
"Mum, you know, I stayed for you in the hospital once, and now you stay for me once, same same, so we will not do it again, right’
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12 years ago, October 2006,
'Where were you?‘ my father with a pale face.
'Why, what happened?'
'Where were you?'
'I went to sleep in my sister's room...'
'Your mum is in the emergency....'
'What happened!?!!'
'I did something, and your mother is in the hospital'
'How could you....how.....could you....... yesterday I talked to you yesterday......how could you.....'
I ran, I ran to the A&E
My mother was lying on the bed in the corner.... crying....with bandage on her face.
'Nana, I am done.....I want to finish. I want to finish this life'
'Yes, mother, I am with you. We finish this. '
After 21 years of marriage, she decided to say 'No' to my father's behaviour. She said she could have died. She realised she might die if she continues life like this.
She stayed at the hospital for a month,
I stayed the nights next to her at the hospital for a month,
and in the morning I went back home to prepare breakfast for my brother and sister. In between I tried to go to the university.... but soon....I had to stop.
The journey began, the black door had opened.
My aunt came with a heavy and firm face, the three of us were clear that this time was the end of the story. For 30 days we had been struggling, negotiating, conditioning, measuring profits, shouting, being angry, insulting, crying, tearing, swearing, panic, pain.
My mother and aunt tried to come to an agreement with my father while they were in the hospital, but life didn't go the way they wanted, unfortunately everyone had to carry on this journey. so she decided to move to my aunt’s house to continue fighting and she wanted to show her strong will that she won’t live with my father anymore if he doesn't agree with the conditions she proposed and she had to show that even she doesn't need her children. But that was not really true, because I was in the middle of this man and woman's conflict, she needed me to take care of my younger sister and brother.
'Mum, don’t worry, I can do it. I will take care of them.'
I thought it was my duty, it was my responsibility, it was my love.
I was 20 years old.
My sister was 14 years old.
My brother was 12 years old.
She left the hospital to go to my aunt house; I left the hospital to our house.
Since then I hate to be in a hospital.
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‘I stayed for you in the hospital once, and now you for me once, so we are same same, so we will not do it again, all right?!’
"Yes, yes, we will never come to the hospital again..."
I gave her my prayer necklace.
'Keep it and pray for Buddha.’
'Yes, yes, I will, just relax and I will see you very soon'
The door closed.
The assistant left my wheelchair in a room with three other patients who were waiting for an operation. I hold my heart. I did Hallelujah in Eurythmy to purify my etheric body, and calling for higher beings.
A doctor came and gave me a hat to wear and asked
'You don't have anything in your pockets, right?'
'..........wel...... I am sorry I have a thing...'
'What!? You shouldn't bring anything.'
I showed my rose quartz.
'Okay, we put it in this safety bag and send it back to your room. Your name and hospital number please' and she hanged it on my ringer stand.
'Woo Nana'
A handsome doctor came and picked me up and took me into the room. He gave me a bit of smile, and he moved me to the actual surgery room. In the UK before entering the theatre, I was under anesthesia. so I never experienced the actual surgery room, In Korea was different. Mixed feelings arose. Five different doctors were in the room with green gowns, they were busy walking around the room. they are my angels...green angels. When I lied down on the bed, I saw my rose quartz still hanging in the stand !
'What is this?'
'It is a stone'
'Stone??!?'
'Actually it is a crystal for healing'
They didn’t answer. I was so happy that this special stone will be with me during the operation.
'Take of your shirt please'
They covered me with a green sheet.
Now lying down...
Now this is to let go..
Now this is to surrender.....
I put my both hand on my cyst, the last 89 days, every morning after I woke up and before going to sleep, I put my hands on my cyst, tears were rolling from my eyes.
They put me a mask,
'Now breathe in.....'
Go well...in peace, may the light shine on you.....
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