On 6th Sep, I cancelled my flight to Egypt.
8th Sep, two days after my flight, it was Felipe's turn to fly to Egypt.
‘Felipe, you go to Sekem first and I will come maybe in two weeks, or in a month, or in three months..... ‘
Confusion started to come.
‘Anyway I don’t need you, you made me confused, just go away from me’
Nonsense sentences started to come.
‘I will stay with you’
‘Why?’
‘I want to help you’
‘Help….?! I don’t need your help, I don’t need sympathy…
I need someone who will be in service to me. ’
‘…..I am not your servant ’
‘I don’t mean a servant, be in service.. ’
‘What is the difference between Help and Service?’
‘Help…is to act out of sympathy, but being in service is….whatever you do….I don’t know…. how to describe but it is different…. ’
I couldn’t explain exactly what I meant…I have a feeling for the differences, but I didn’t know….logically how to describe…
Angela came in the middle of tension, she asked me
‘Nana , just close your eyes and be in silence for 5min and breathe’
I closed my eyes….
A second later, I traveled to a memory.
.
.
.
‘'I never said I needed your help! you just did it, I never asked you, why did you do it? ’'
When I heard this, I knew something went out of myself,
After 6 months, supporting my mother, I stopped going to the university, stopped seeing my friends, stopped all my personal life, only thing I committed to do was helping my mother. I became the second mother for my sister and brother so that they could keep going to school, they could have a normal life and if I could do it, my mother didn't have to be next to her children. I wanted to give her freedom, to do what she needed to do and what she wanted to do. so she would not come back to the house with an excuse of being together with her children. I thought it was my responsibility, as I am the first daughter. And now…how can she said that to me….I did all my best to help her…...…Didn’t I?
At that time, something destroyed me. The rage inside me grew… I held tight a glass in my hand…
.
.
.
I ran away from the café where me and my mother sat and ran..ran and ran.
Even I knew she was very tired from all these situations. But she shouldn’t have said what she just told me.
I gave up all my life for her, to help her….and she just told me, it was my fault…
I ran I ran I ran……
.
.
.
.
I opened my eyes, full of tears on my face.
I told them the story….
‘To be in service is whatever other person will say, you will not be effected by it, even she/he is saying awful things because of the hard situation, you completely understand and with love you are in service to . so you don’t take anything personally….’
Felipe asked me again,
‘Nana, I can help you, I can be in service to you.
What do you need, if you don’t think about the economic situation, what do you need. now?’
‘…….What do you need………..’ Joan Mele said this, the Parzival question…
What do I need….
.
.
‘I need a house where I can heal, where I can grief, where i can cry. where i can heal my trauma, and also seeing different people who can support me’
‘Okay, I will do that, i can work whatever I can find to pay rent , I will try.’
This was the very beginning. Angela , Alex sat next to us.
Angela gave me a brown note book- ‘it is my birthday present for you, nana’
I found a card from her inside the book.
[Dear Brother and sister , Once again you’ve made my summer more interesting than it could be when you are not around. all the best wishes in Egypt see you when I see]
I opened the first page and wrote,
[ Nana’s HEALING DIARY 6th Sep ~ ]
" I stand facing you, facing you I am drawn towards you.
Being drawn toward you, I open my self to meet you.
In opening myself to meet you, I see the highest in you.
Seeing the highest in you, I bow down in service to you.
Bowing down in service to you, I find the highest in me.
Finding the highest in me,
In fullness and beauty facing you I stand. "
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