The second Scanning
When I got the letter about having the operation, Alex suggested:
'Nana, why don’t you do a scanning once more? it might have shrunk after all you work '
I typed 'Private ultrasound scan' and I booked it, £89! Again, I have to breathe.
It was the day after I talked with the doctor at the hospital.
Before I left home I took the book 'THE JOURNEY', this is the book that six people recommended me to read for my healing journey, I just didn’t find the right time before. So I was reading it on the bus on the way to Haywards Heath. As I was reading through the pages, I was getting more and more drawn into it, 'It looks like the journey I am going through...right now!' I was getting excited, the woman on the book found a basketball size tumour in her pelvis, and it is the story about how she healed herself, her frustrations, her trust, her shame, in each page I could recognise the same feelings...
I closed the book, took off from the bus, walked through the street and i found the sign 'Scanning room' I rang the bell. I was a bit worried if it a bit dodge place.... I entered the room, there were a lot of pictures of new born babies on the wall. I can see that it is really for pregnant women. I kept reading the book 'The Journey' in the waiting room. I was so getting excited about her journey.
‘Come in’, a tall blond lady said, my age maybe a bit older.
So I explained her my situation,
‘I came to check If it has any changes’
I lay down on the bed, there was a big screen in front me, so while she was scanning, she could explain what I was seeing in the screen. She explained in detail.
'This is a cyst',
'How big is it?'
'16*15*10'
'that is same size it was a month ago’
''Oh I found your right ovary'
'Pardon?!!'
'This is your ovary, it is normal size, looks nothing is attached around it '
‘oh!!!!!!!!’
I was so worried that I might have cysts on the both ovaries.
‘ I heard that i have a multi-loculated cyst, can you explain that to me’
'It means cysts within the cyst , here you can see ,one, two , three, four, here five, another one, two three, four, about 15 or more.'
'!!!!!' Wow my body really surprises me.
She was very nice and friendly, asked me how my journey will be, what is next step.
'Good luck', she said,
Good luck....... yes, good luck.
When I came out I was soooooo happy!
And suddenly – everything was clear
''''' I WILL NOT DO THE SURGERY! '''''''''
Why did I even think to do a surgery, before I was okay with whatever comes, if i have to do an operation, i wouldn’t avoid it. I just needed time to understand and accept.
I called Felipe
‘Felipe!!! It is the same size! Hurray it hasn’t grown; also I saw my right ovary! ’
I called Alex, who asked me to do a private ultra-scan ‘ Alex, it is the same size! ’
When I found a 16cm cyst a month ago , I was so shocked, and now I saw again a 16cm cyst, and it makes me very happy!
I skipped to the bus stop, that afternoon I had a session of family constellation with Julie, that was recommended by Sally.
Family Constellation
I continued reading ‘The Journey’ from time to time. I had to laugh, because of how she describes her journey, a lot of emotions that I can recognize in me from last a month. She also called it ‘healing journey’, I started to get excited about her process.
I arrived to Hassocks station, went to the cafe to wait, Julie came to pick me up, I already saw her picture from the facebook:
"Hello, Nana nice to meet you " she transmits like energy of water and earth. I went on her car.
‘How did you meet Sally?’
‘through a woman empowering weekend, and you?’
‘There is a community called Tamera in Portugal, they introduced me to David, who is Sally's partner' and I explained my situation with the cyst.
We arrived at her house; we walked to upstairs and entered a room, office like.
‘So this is my safe place today’.
I explained what I have done till now, why I felt the call to work with family constellation, that I am going back to Korea and I need to do some work before.
I could feel that I was high from the result of scan and reading the book 'The Journey' ,
I felt like my cyst was going to be gone very soon.
‘If you feel too high, you can ground yourself first, feet on the floor and breath.' The moment of breathing...
'What do you wish to look at: 'your family' or cyst’? '
‘Family ’
So she asked me to pick up a bag, inside there were a bunch of dolls in different colours, then she instructed me that each time she will guide me about which elements to bring into the space, and she emphasized: 'do not think too much' , it is not working by logical thinking, it works with body intelligence, when i feel the right place, I place it, trying not to measure, guessing or assuming too much.
'First your mother, place her on the table ,
and yourself
and Father,
look at the relationships in between '
Myself in the middle of the table, facing forward.
My mother at my right side, a bit behind of me, looking at me,
My father a bit far away from me... on the right side, facing forward.
'Julie, I do understand my father, as he grew up in Korea, in specific time and culture, a 'Man' orientated society, I heard that his father was also violent, and it was quite common culture at that time..'
'Bring your Grandfather in, please'
I explained to her briefly the history of Korea, Confucianism, and the time of the Japanese colonization during the second world war, the Korean war, dictatorship, democracy revolution...
'Let’s bring a new element, Korea '
Korea!?!...where does Korea stands in this table...? what is Korea for me?
I placed Korea on the table.
'How do you feel?'
‘I feel sad......I feel angry ’
.......
By that time everything was on my right side.
She said touch each figure and feel whether it wants to move, some figures found a new place, even a little movement to change the face direction it changed the whole mood and meaning.
In each movement she asked me to observe and asked me what do I see, how do i feel.
A lot of things were revealed during this process.
'Anything missing? '
‘..............................Aunt……my aunt is missing
‘Who is she and why? ’
.
.
.
My Aunt .
She is 5 years older than my mother, since I have memory my aunt was deeply part of my life.
Whenever she came to visit us, I loved it so much, as she always took me to a nice restaurant, like pizza shop, the places where my mother did not allow me to eat . She always understood my behavior. The moments my mother didn’t understand the way I did things, she advised her:
‘Let Nana do what she wants, she knows what she wants, that is a good thing.’
She always supported my decisions, so I always told my aunt about everything in my life, and I remember she always gave me a positive feedback and trust on what I was doing.
And she always gave me generous pocket money and she said:
'I trust you how you want to spend this money’ I always felt she believed on me, she loved me. Her love, not only for me, but for the whole family, whenever my mum needed she was there to help, whenever we moved houses she came to packed all the stuff, cleaned the house before, even to change the wall paper. From time to time she came to our house, to cook, to clean for my mother, me and my two siblings.
However, I remember that she had to leave before my father came back home from work, and a few times when she bumped into him, I remember that cold air around them. Even If I asked her to stay longer when my father was coming back, she replied with sharp voice: ‘No Nana, I have to go. I cannot be here’ and she left.
I didn’t know much about her personal life, she didn’t have children, but I didn’t know why, did I ever asked her? I don’t remember. Why she doesn’t get married, what is her work? Etc… I just thought that somehow she was a rich woman as she gave so much money to me and my siblings and my mother. I was naive.
Until that day, when I had to leave Korea…. Until that time, she was always the person who trusted me the most, who I trusted the most, she was my god mother, she was my hero, she was my angel.
And somehow since that day, I almost deleted her existence from my memory…
I don’t understand what happened, how it happened… since that day…… she was gone from my memory.
.
.
.
‘My aunt is my mother’s elder sister, she sacrificed a lot for my mother and us. However a few years ago somehow she cut all the connection with us, so we don’t know where she is… now ’
‘Okay choose a figure as your aunt…’
It was the first figure..... I placed on my left side… I started to cry...
‘Now, could you bring the cyst?’
‘!?!’
I chose the half sized figure, and I placed...in front of me, very close to me.
‘what do you see?’
‘It looks like a baby…it belongs to me...…. ’
'Belongs to you?! .........now, turn yourself to your mother and say: Mum, this is my baby, it belongs to me, I need this’
‘!?!’
‘Say it’
‘Mum, I have this now, this is my baby, it belongs to me, I need this’..!!!
'Do you feel what you said was true? ’
‘ummm……maybe I could change as a question: ‘Do I need it?....?"
Last one month, intensively having therapies, sometimes I had to approach my cyst as a good friend, gently, someone to have a conversation with….and it became too friendly, maybe i don’t want to let it go? What is happening? I was confused.
‘Now turn to your aunt, and say: Aunt, I have this now, this is my baby, it belongs to me, I need this’
……..when I turn my figure towards my aunt…
I felt pain immediately, to face her after 12 years havent seen each other, and now having to show her this little thing I have…tears fall down from my eyes.
It was too much for me, it was too much for her, if she heard this news, she will be so sad…
And I couldn’t say…that sentence.
It doesn’t belong to me! I don’t need it! and it is NOT my baby .
'Still Say it'
I said it, and I knew it was not true, my whole body knew it is not true.
And the process continues.
We invited my siblings, my grandmother from my father side, my grandmother from mother side,…. All family started to gather around me.
And the cyst was now in front of me but more in the distance. It looked like everyone was looking at the cyst; actually it looked like whole family finally gathered around me. Because of me.
Next a couple more processes, the cyst is finally moving further away from me, it turned and looked at me. and I was seen by all the family members.
And the last figured was added: Felipe.
He stood in front of me at the end, facing towards me .
‘Say, Felipe: this is me, this is my family and this is my place’
‘Felipe, this is me, this is my family and this is my place’
She suggested to finish the process here.
I took the figures away one by one from the table.
only I left alone...
and the last figure which represented myself was gone.
'Can i showed you the pictures of my family?'
I took them from my diary one by one and I recite a verse to close our time.
‘Spirit of God fill thou me
Fill me in my soul
To my soul give strength
Strength also to my heart
My heart that seeks for thee
Seeks thee with earnest longing
Longing to be whole and well
Whole and well, and full of courage
Courage, the gift from the hand of God
Gift from thee, O Spirit of God
Spirit of God, fill though me.’
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