Since long time I have been wanting to hold a biography sharing evening with my family in my community: Emerson College.
8 years ago, that was the first time in my life I did a 'Biographical sharing', which means telling my own biography since I was born, sometimes even from before, how my parents met, till how I am here at the very moment. This was part of the curriculum of the Foundation year of Anthroposophy in Israel, and it was a turning point in my life.
I had been hesitating, 'not yet, not now, maybe I shouldn’t do it'. After postponing it several times, finally I sent an invitation and eventually it was the very day of Felipe's depart. Felipe was not too happy, that on the day he is leaving I am sharing my biography, he wanted to leave in peace, but he knows me well too.
It was at the Hayley's house, the holy house. Hayley held 12 holy nights evenings at her place last year around Christmas; somehow at that time we became the two hosts for those evenings and after that we became very good friends, something bound us together on those days.
That morning, Chris came:
'So today how many people are you expecting? I will help you to prepare.'
'about 16- 20...'
I put the pumpkin soup on the table, bread and cheese plates and some little things to nibble. Beautiful cups were set on the table, the fire was on, one by one people arrived, settled down on the couches. I was a bit nervous, as during this time I had been avoiding to be in any place where there are crowds of people, even with my community who has supported my daily life. I was so nervous that I kept moving around the house, people started to wonder what would happen, I was a bit shy to embark the evening. Hayley lit the beeswax candle.
''Hello every one, thank you for coming, it is a special evening for me. As you well know during the last two months I have been on a healing journey, now I have decided to go back to Korea and Felipe will move to Egypt tonight, in three hours; and today is Angela's birthday!''
We turned off the lights, Alex brought the cake, we sang the Emerson birthday song. I added that Angela had supported me and Felipe so much during these days, she is one of our best friends, and then I continued explaining why I am holding this evening, so we started with a song by Felipe.
"There was a man and a woman, they met each other, they were seeing each other, they fell in love and they got married. My mother didn’t really want to get married but my father convinced her and during the honeymoon she realised she was pregnant.
And life changed for my mother, unexpectedly my father got violent, she said she wanted to leave him, however she stayed as she didn’t want me be to be a child without a father. The 24th August 1986 I was born, after 24 hours of labour. Interestingly, at the moment my father left the room to eat something I was born.
My mother told me that my relatives said 'oh what an ugly baby', but she loved me so much, as i was her first child. She described that every single part of me was precious, especially my little hands which looked like curled bracken leaves.
But it didn’t last long, from time to time we had to run away from the house because of my father's violent behaviour. I remember once I had to put my head on my mother's lab in the taxi to hide from my father.’
I narrated my life calmly, steadily. I often looked at the candle, not directly to the people. I passed some of pictures of my childhood. I held a picture in my hand, 6 years old Nana, wearing a Korean traditional dress and holding two flowers on my arms.
''this was just after my kindergarten graduation, that was the day after the story I tell in my performance, the blue flame of the gas burner. So my mother couldn’t come to my graduation as she got injured , however my father came with a flower. The mother of one of my friends knew the reason why my mother couldn’t come, so she gave me another flower, as everyone had two flowers: one from their mother and one from their father; but i remember i said to my mother: ‘don’t worry you don’t need to come to my graduation.' I was at the kindergarten.
And 5 years after me, my sister was born, I was so happy, I loved her so much. I sang songs, dance for her, but soon after again....the dark side of my life reappeared. 8 years after me, my brother was born and again the dark side repeated. I remember that I often had to put clothes on them, putting the buttons from the bottom to top. on one arm carrying my brother and with my other hand holding my sister’s hand; and ran away to another house , leaving my mother behind. And that fear.... of leaving my mother behind alone with my father... after some therapies I realised that this is one of the strongest pains.
But i know now that these are only one sided memories. Sadly, through my childhood, I don’t remember the good memories with my father; when I see the photos of me smiling with my father, together, there must be some, but i don’t remember any of those moments...
On the other hand, at the kindergarten I was a very loving child, I loved everything about it, the activities, friends, animals, teachers; but at home, I remember that gloomy dark air. So my life has been split in two, the light side and the dark side and it got stronger and stronger as I grew up.’'
I told things that normally people don’t know about me, the dark side, dark memories, the wounds, scars and pain; I consciously chose to share those stories, so they could be in the light, light of love, and I trusted that the people who I invited can hold this light.
The day I got beaten by my father,
Times when I got beaten by teachers and senior student’s at schools.
The day I got a first award for my essay at school but my mother was so ashamed, because I wrote about my mother and father.
The day when the police came to our house, but they kept silent.
The day when they asked me to report about my father, but I couldn’t.
The day I went to see the psychologist and started to take depression pills.
The very day I harmed myself.
The day I had to leave Korea...
And my secret of my name.
The day I drew a butterfly, the image of hope.
Times after coming back to Korea, struggling with the split of myself between being in Europe and being in Korea.
The day I burnt myself.
The day I left Korea for 15 years.
They day I arrived to Israel and met Anthroposophy.
The day I moved to Emerson College and lived there for 7 years.
The day I started my work at Sekem.
The day I found the cyst.
For 45 minutes I shared a piece of myself, the skeleton of my life, my life that has built who I am now. When I finished I looked around, looked at each one's faces, my spiritual family in my spiritual home. I am surrounded by love, more than ever.
Last summer, for the first time when I came back to my community, Emerson College, I realised I am loved by these people, I do love these people, I am love.
and Pricilla said 'Nana it is obvious we always love you, you didn't know?'
Roi said 'Nana, nothing has changed, but maybe you started love yourself to realise those...' , I think so. after sharing, I realised I do love.... whatever i did, whoever i am, I do love myself.
I blew out the candle.
An hour later, I hold Felipe's hand in the car, Chris and Hayley drove us to Gatwick airport, we dropped Felipe, he was gone.
I cried....mixed feelings of love, being thankful, sorry, I just cried.... Hayley came and sat next to me, holding my hand, for long time I cried.
Next morning, I woke up without Felipe.
48 hours later, I stood on the land where I was born: South Korea.
*Thank you for being that moment,
Hayley, Chris, Angela, Alex, Lindsey, Melody, Ianthe, Michael, Hiromi, Ileana, Sophia, Jeremy, Eva, Ken, Trina, Allan, Annadelia, Konstantina, her friend and all those who supported me that couldn't be there.
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