"Yesterday I was 33 years old and from today I am 34 years old,
Am I different yesterday than today ?"
"Nope"
"Yes! because the Sun is in the exact place it was when I was born,"
"But it is the same every day, the sun will be at the same place as one year ago."
"No ~ It is a BIRTH day ! I am at the same place as when I was born, our mothers were bearing human beings for 9 months and finally giving birth, you were in the darkness and through pain and labour you were born into this light on the earth!
It is a very special event in your life, do you know how hard it is to be born?!"
Yes, how hard it is to be born,
one of 100 millions sperms, and the duration of 9 months! It takes a year to stand up! It is precious life we choose,
But.....why? Why each human being went through such a journey to be born, and what is happening after being born?
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10:30am my 34th birthday morning.
I am back in Ageeba, a piece of heaven on earth that Selma introduced to me.
If I look front, into the sea and the horizon where it meets the sky, how marvelous... so many kinds of different blues, with a pinch of emerald green, clean clear crystal blue, turquoise, prussian blue, indigo blue in the distance and the white crests coming closer and closer to the shore to touch the cream white sand…. above the ultramarine horizon, into white clouds, a bit blue-greyish sky with a pinch of light purple, into sky blue and blue blue..there is no borders between them all, they just dissolve into one and other....and the sound of waves, soothing my breath.
If I look behind me... the contrast of human civilization, unfinished concrete buildings with metal poles sticking out from the ceilings, is it unfinished or is it neglected and destroyed ? Black plastic bags, fizzy drinks cans, pipes, green and red plastic snack packages, nobody’s shoe laying.
Next to it, a fisherman started to pray on the sand beach towards the holy place.
And five ladies dressed all in black, fully covering their bodies with over-suits giggling, enjoying the waves. children with an U.S.A flag patterned swim ring jumping into the sea.
Can I just live looking straight to the sea?
Can I not turn around...and go back to human life?
After having a beautiful breakfast with my beloved. Mango smoothie, fruit porridge, mate tea, peach, rice crackers, yogurt...when I look again into these...with the background of the blue sea....furthermore I am wearing my special dress I bought and the chinky chanky earrings Felipe gave me as a birthday present, it looks like a princess in a paradise.
I look at my breakfast table again with a satisfied, full stomach.....
How about people who made these, how is their life? Is their environment well cared?
You see, in one second we know that it is an illusion, the feeling of paradise.
"Nana, just look and be... "
Felipe would say to me if i spoke out loud what is all in my mind right now.
I look again to the blue sea and breathe. Hoo…...hooo……..be present…. nana…..
so beautiful and peaceful..... calming....I started to perceive this piece of heaven again..
….Hamdulillah….it keeps moving, it keeps breathing, never forget breathing and being. All my concerns and worries wash away.. they dissolve. Nature is so vast that I can not even think that we can ever destroy you.
Yesterday, when I went for a walk with Felipe, I was asking myself ‘How does the sea witness the evolution of the earth?’ and I was imagining how Dinosaurs had lived on earth…..Can we imagine how peaceful it would be, once upon a time there were no human species...and at one point, humans arrived on the earth, do we know what our purpose is?
How can I live in these two realities and how to meet this threshold?
Look front, look back, or look back and look front.
Look inside, look outside, or look outside and look inside.
Look up and look down, look down and look up.
How can we overcome this division between spirit and matter and to experience the real essence of all this and to act out of this place?
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Ummmm, Today I became 34 years old.
I am getting familiar with these two realities....In my head I know that these two will merge, and there is no such a separation, but in everyday life, I still experience so strongly this separation, this gap between .... and sometimes it is so painful.
Forces of embracing, accepting, understanding, trust and forces of confronting, disharmony, denial, rightness.
Forces of love, compasion, kindness and forces of ego, speaking up, justice, courage.
I can not anymore just cry out and be frustrated about these separations or too much sympathy or antipathy to react upon them. Because now I know that it doesn't change anything outside. I am just pouring my own feelings outside.
So………....my feelings have to be purified into pure feeling, not only attached with my own ego .... Vasilei, my art director, said..
"Nana, not the cheap emotion, don't try to squeeze the cheap emotions out from the audience, detach from yourself, be objective, not too subjective."
I have to be detached from it... I know that it will be difficult for me….why?…...because ….It feels like…it feels like….. I am losing myself.. my identity, who I am. But on the other hand, I know that I have to practice my thinking capacity to overview it and trust I will not lose myself. so people can listen more into how I experience, how I feel, how I think in a true way. I give more space for people to come towards me, not me to them. The waves near the seashore are a little part of the sea, when you look further there is the vast endless deep blue sea.
I wish the coming year, I can breathe between this gap, with deeper understanding and with humour and a light attitude, so I don't fall into my own challenges and I rather choose to direct this energy more into standing up for the world challenges.
Maybe... I can see the meaning of being 34 years old,
The last year of the 7 years cycle, I can close it well as best as i can,
so I can begin again and again.
As Roi told me every morning, 'Nana, we have another chance!'
Hamdulilah !
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