Ovary, ovum, ovulation, fallopian tube, uterus, vagina, menstrual cycle.
Red tent, women circle, womb wisdom…
I was so shamed that I didn't take care of my cyst last 8 years. I was shamed that when I found some mass in the lower part of my stomach in June, I again ignored. I was shamed that I didn't even realised until it has grown to 16cm through the summer.
How much I was neglected my own body.
and now my cyst guides me to be awaken to the proper womanhood,
It was Ileana who first mentioned the theme ‘Femininity’ to me.
‘Nana, maybe you couldn’t experience a whole picture of femininity in your childhood, maybe this is your imbalanced part, what about connecting with the Archetype of Femininity, Receptivity, Yin.’
She went upstairs to get some things for me, she brought me postcards of Madonna by Raphael, Michelangelo and she gave me a verse, Avemaria.
Since I graduated on 2015, I have been full on initiating projects: one woman show: ‘what is love’, Youthsection summer conferences, youth travelling project UNIBUS, workshop : Soil, Soul , Society, giving lectures, presentations. Indeed I have been using a lot of masculine energy in me.
‘Nana what if you do some simple things to nourish your soul. putting some nice flowers, making the place beautiful, just creating space for being. Cooking and backing, simple things. ’
just to hear about those elements, I already felt something calmed down.
I know that it doesn’t mean the traditional role of women from the past.
But to see the true quality of female, who cares, who loves, who accepts.
Maybe indeed, I have missed that side of myself, I have neglected my feminine side. Sine I was young, I had to protect my mother, I had to take care of my younger brother and sister, somehow I grew up as a father like figure of the family. Again it is not about women can not be wild. It is to connect with Feminine side equal to masculine side. It is about balance.
So now I am open to explore, ‘Womanhood.’ The true meaning of being woman.
Physically , Spiritually.
The first person that came to my mind was Sally, I remember she invited me to the woman circle in her house and also she is involved with some networks of women work.
I sent her message, asking if she has time to meet me.
‘Oh, Nana I am very busy but I will be happy to meet you, come on Wednesday 4pm ’
When I arrived, she was in the middle of baking, already her house was with full of female energy, very beautiful dishes, potteries, nice pans, nice design, wooden boxes as a book shelves, all different colours threads on the wall next to sawing machine, soft music, something mothering, something beautiful, something warm, also grounding……..Embracing, maybe this is the right word. the being of the house was like her. She came and embraced me,
‘Oh Nana, I feel you’ I remember the feeling when I was hugged by her before; Earthy, grounding. She was baking a clementine cake,
‘Is this a special day ?’
‘No, I just want to bake. Actually when I am ill, I always like to bake a cake.’
...I was impressed....the fact that she is just baking without a special reason.
I explained more about why I connect my cyst with woman work.
…And she started giving me some information of the woman work.
-Alexandra Pope: 'The wild power'
-A next work of woman : Woman Empowering.
-a book: 'Red Tent.'
and she gave me a thick book which explains all illness with psychological roots.
this is what it says:
Cyst (fluid –filled sacs in their body)
‘Poor me’ they are running the same old painful scenario in their head, and they are heavily into self-pity. They are nursing old hurts and current examples, as they are unable to heal their hurt feelings, underlying the pattern is a guild-based self –rejection that was generated in a blame-throwing and shame-inducing family.
Ovarian cyst
‘She-rejection’ they are experiencing a growing conflict regarding their femininity and all of the issues described above, it is the result of systematic rejection on the basis of her gender by her patriarchal family.
Left Ovary problems:
‘Self-rejection’ they are having to deal with self-distrust and /or self-disgust for rejection of feminine power, or from their underlying ‘run amok-anxiety’ concerning their intense rage at the patriarchy
I found so many times the word 'her patriarchal family' in the text.
Maybe I have to look deeper into the femininity... especially with the connection with my family.
‘Ah, nana, I will link you with Julie and Rex! Julie works with family constellation, Rex with Somatic trauma therapy. I will give you their contact.’
I feel that I am so blessed, I have so many people who I can ask for these things.
before I left she gave me another one of her special hugs.
When I become a mother, Can I be like her ?
My cyst is guiding me to be waken to the womanhood
I forgive myself what I have done
I let go of my shame.
I accept who I am.
My proper womanhood began.
I am 32 years old.
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