A month ago, Flora asked me 'Nana have you written a letter to your ovary? it will be helpful for you' ......a letter to my ovary...for long time I couldn't.
After postponing one more time of the operation in Korea, I went to the buddhist temple in Namwon to empty my thoughts and to be in nothingness. a friend, Bopha sent me a message
'Nana, there is an exhibition in the city centre near where you are staying, a good friend has a open radio show, maybe would you like to meet new people? " .......maybe....
Another friend, Hyosun told me she has a very good friend near where I was staying,
I contacted her and she proposed to meet at the open radio show :) now I have to go, I checked the flyer , it said [Write a letter and send it to me]
I opened my diary, and started to write a letter to my cyst.
To my ovarian cyst
It has been already 88days since we communicated each other.
First of all, thank you so much for your sacrifice of making your body so huge to teach me wisdom, to give me an opportunity to practice the wisdom.
I am so sorry that I have ignored you, left you alone since I found you for the first time 8 years ago. and I am sorry that suddenly I gave you so much attention just because you got so huge.
I have been poking you, putting some cold green cray on you, eating so many thing to get rid of you. So do many therapists, have touched you, shaken you, prayed for you,
Well done, you have been doing so well for last 88 days.
it is all because of my karma which have created you, however in the beginning, sometimes I treated you as a negative mass, and blaming you.... I am so sorry, can you forgive me for all these?
And Thank you so much for giving me space and time to reconnect with my past self, to look in to unhealed wound, to show me whole some memories of my childhood, to forgive and to be forgiven by my blood family and myself. and to bring to me Korea.
Because of you, I re-discover the fact that I am loved by so many friends. so many people prayed for me, sent me support and love. and one more important thing that i realised I do love myself!
To be honest, I dont know the exact reason why you have grown so much and not disappeared, but it doesn't matter any more, I have tried my best as I value you and my ovary's sacrifice and now I accept who you are and who I am,
I wish I could save one more year to try to make you let go by your self, however I think it is a time to let you go. well done for all your work with me. at least I am relieved that you can be buried in the land where i was born.
all the realisation from you and my ovary's sacrifice, I will cherish them for the rest of my life. I learnt about true femininity, receptivity. and I will take care of myself: my body, soul and spirit, as this body will bear a being in the future.
Thank you so much, Well done,
go well in peace. May the light shine one you.
To my surprise, I knew what she wants, I knew what i want... I knew deep inside me a decision was made.
Next day, I arrived at the radio show, just it time, it was a cozy space, nine or ten people around the room. there was a woman with micro phone. i guessed she was Susu, who was the host of the radio show, a friend of Bopha. 'Hello!' someone tapped my shoulder , it was Inae, a friend of Hyosun. and I found my corner to sit.
'The next letter I want to introduce, it is a bit special she didn't write a letter to me, she wrote a letter to her ovarian cyst. '
I misunderstood the format of the radio show, anyway she read my letter and she didnt realised i was there next to her.
"난소난종에게,
물혹아 이렇게 네가 네 몸을 희생시켜서 나에게 깨닫게 해준것들이 너무 많아서 고맙워.
처음에 너를 발견하고 어리둥절 했을때가 엇그제 같은데 벌써 두달 반, 77일째가 되었구나. 너를 처음 6cm때 발견한게 8년전인데 너를 그냥 방치해 두고 지내다가, 이렇게 커졌다고 갑자기 너무 신경쓴것 미안해. 내가 꾺꾹 찔러보고, 녹토 올려놓아서 차갑기도 하고, 너 없서지는 좋다는 것 먹고, 수 많은 치료사들이 흔들고, 만지고, 손 올려두고, 기 도해주고 너도 참 77일간 고생 많았다. 다 내 업인데 너를 못된 혹으로만 생각하고 가끔 너를 원망해서 미안해. 너를 방치해둔 나를 용서해주겠니?
그러면서 우리 가족에 대한 기억을 하나씩 되살려주고 이렇게 한국까지 오게해준거 참 감사해. 너로 인해 특히 너무나 많은 사람들에게 사랑받고 있는 나를 재발견 하였어. 수많은 사람들이 기도해주었고, 가족도 더 가까워졌고, 나 스스로도 나를 더 사랑할수 있게 된 것 같아.
진정 무슨 연유로 네 한몸 희생에서 이렇게 커졌는지 모르지만 너의 희생이 아깝지 않게 나도 최선을 다 한 것 같아. 할 수만 있다면 일년라는 시간을 더 벌어 네 스스로가 사라지게 하고 싶지만, 이제 너를 놓아야 하나봐. 그동안 고생했어. 네가 한국땅에 묻히게 될수있어서 다행이야.
너와 내 난소의 희생으로 얻은 이 깨달음들 앞으로 소중히 지켜나갈께. '여성성'이 진정 무엇인지 배운 시간이였어. 내 몸 소중히 다룰께, 또 다른 생명이 태어날 몸이니까.
잘가.
While I am hearing my letter,
I laughed, I cried, I hugged Inae who sat next to me, I needed someone to hug.
I knew it is all done. the feeling of letting go, finally to let go of very precious thing.
The radio host:
'I hope you will recover well, this is a song for her ' Stand by me~'
Comentarios